


March 10th: A Story of Birthdays

by BeanHeist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Birthday Party, Fluff, Friendship, M/M, Marauders' Era
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-10
Updated: 2016-10-10
Packaged: 2018-08-20 12:51:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8249756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeanHeist/pseuds/BeanHeist
Summary: While in Azkaban, Sirius relives Remus' birthday celebrations from their years at Hogwarts and reflects on their budding relationship.





	

Sirius lay awake, not tossing and turning, but properly awake staring at the dingy ceiling. There was a slight crack running along the wall letting in a sliver of moonlight. It was an uncharacteristically quiet in his cell. The moans of his co-prisoners usually reverberated off the walls of his circular cell, making it difficult for him to sleep. Almost as if the architect behind the prison built it to be as inhumane a structure as possible. A younger Sirius would have agreed that anyone in Azkaban would have deserved such treatment, as well as most of his own family.

Not that the acoustics in the room mattered too much, he was not sure if he ever truly slept anymore. Aside from the cries of former death eaters, Sirius found that he ruined his own sleep more often than not with vivid nightmares. Sirius' imagination used to be a source of pride, and basked in his ability to not only come up with elaborate pranks, but also paint comical portraits of his classmates. The dementors are skillful at turning your own strength against you. With each nightmare, Sirius grew less and less sure that it was his own imagination creating the horrors on its own. He had come to the conclusion that he was the most vulnerable while he slept, the most susceptible to the dementors. He was convinced that they were not only able to feed off his thoughts, but manipulate them. For this reason he has spent the last 3 years trying to not think about his friends, trying not to think about Remus. But tonight was a special night. 

He cannot be sure, but he feels like it is Remus' birthday, he doesn't know why he feels this way. It is just an inescapable feeling that he has had in his head for the past several hours. It would be about the right time, the snow was slowly turning into March rain and his cell was approaching a livable temperature. However, he is sure, thanks to eight years of keeping track of lunar cycles, that it is a full moon. It had become instinctive for him to know the cycle of the moon. His heart released amounts of empathy he didn't know he was still capable of when he realized that not only was Remus alone for yet another transformation, something Sirius had sworn would never happen, but also alone on his birthday. Although Remus would never admit it, Sirius knew how important his birthday was to him. How he pretended to not want the week long festivities that Sirius used to plan. Instead of indulging in the pain of wondering what Remus was doing that night, he allowed himself to relive their memories together. As a result, far more vulnerable than he was used to being in front of the dementors.

Upon reflecting, Sirius found it quite easy to block out any of the memories after graduation, the death of Lily and James, the betrayal of Peter, and Remus. Remus alone. Remus outside of Hogwarts alone was something that Sirius never wanted to think about again. Sirius had never been one for compartmentalizing. But that is something that the dementors had taught him quite well over the past three years. He was able to rewind the story of his life and erase the past five years as though that story had not been told to him yet. Of course he still spared thoughts for baby Harry, who he only could imagine as a healthy happy baby surrounded by people that cared about him. He often liked to think that Remus had been given custody of Harry. Harry would be good for Remus. No one could make Remus smile like Harry could after a long night of patrols. Harry would give Remus a purpose, make him see that he is a good, compassionate father. This was the narrative that Sirius decided to adopt about the lives of his loved ones outside of Azkaban, and so it was. 

Sirius didn't hope that Remus would figure out Sirius was not the secret keeper, that wasn't the right word. It was more like he knew. No matter how hard they had fought in the past, Remus always forgive him and always instinctively knew why Sirius had made a decision. He would always look out for Sirius. He knew that Sirius needed him just as much as Remus needed him. Although Remus was likely to forget it how much Sirius needed him. Sirius had a dog's temper, he was quick to bark and fast to forgive. Remus, on the other hand, held his judgments, waiting for the verdict to come in before he would get mad. But if he decide that he should be mad, it was game over. He was the master of the silent treatment and other childish tactics. Sirius often mused that it was due to his lonely childhood. He was unable to pester his peers at a young age so it took to ignoring his 18 year old boyfriend. Not the Sirius had the right to complain, he felt like he usually deserved whatever childish punishment Remus decided to dole out. 

He knew Remus would be upset that Sirius had not told him that he was not the secret keeper. He would be upset about all the terrible things Sirius had said as he left. But Remus knew Sirius. He knew he did stupid things when he was sad, angry or scared. He had been so scared of losing Remus. So scared of losing James, Lily, and Harry and even Peter too. He began to push them all away. It was something he was always so terrified that Remus would do to him. He had spent a better portion of their 7th year convincing him that things would not be different after they graduated, that he would feel exactly the same about Remus after they entered the 'real world'. He had been so nervous that Remus would shut him out once they left the protective walls of Hogwarts. As a testament to Remus' inner strength, he had not abandoned Sirius, but rather conquered his own insecurities. It was instead Sirius that could not handle the real world. A world in which he was part of the Black Family, some of the most loyal supporters of Voldemort. If anyone would have understood, it would have been Remus. The werewolf who had to deal not only with society's hatred, but also with the distrust of his fellow Order members. Remus would have known what Sirius was dealing with. He was experiencing the same suffocating judgment and doubt. The traditionally closed-off werewolf was consistently open and honest with his fears to his boyfriend. His honesty about this subject only proved to make Sirius more anxious. If Remus could be so honest, why couldn't he? He had always felt comfortable sharing his darkest secrets with Remus, secrets he wouldn't ever dream of telling anyone else, even James. Remus always understood, understood Sirius' fears and doubts. But this was different, he couldn't open up to Remus and so he began to distance himself. Distance himself from all of his friends. He doubted his own strength. And that doubt is what caused Lily and James to be murdered and for Remus to be alone for this and every other full moon. 

Sirius often wondered why the dementors did not steal his memories about his friends from his Hogwarts days. To him they were the only happy memories that he had. Sirius painfully came to realize that these memories were no longer happy. Now no matter how much he compartmentalized, these memories would no longer be happy. Thinking back on how much he loved those three boys was no longer a joyous memory, instead it just existed. He knew how the story plays out. Sirius who always had a flair for the dramatic likened it to Romeo and Juliet. Could you ever be happy for the young lovers if you know what devastating fate awaited them? Can you giggle at their budding romance when you know they must die in the end? That is how Sirius feels about his own sunken existence in the confines of Azkaban. The dementors give him an excuse and a reason to not be happy, but Sirius is well aware that he would be just as melancholic outside of these stone walls.


End file.
